Friday,19 October,2012 12:54:54
Rumor has it that the RSPCA are thoroughly investigating regular instances of pescaphilia amongst the UK’s ‘Gangnam style’ glitterati and conservation societies.
Pescaphilia is where young ‘teenager’ fish are taken away from their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and other members of their family like wholesalers and chefs and forced to pose sexually in the nude with humans whilst photos are taken. The fish are harshly treated, being pushed and poked in every part of their body and sexually tortured then they are put under bright lights and photographed in suggestive poses. After they have been totally embarrassed the whereabouts of the fish remain unknown.
There are stories floating around that these incredibly talented fish — after having been abused — are sold on the black market to upscale restaurants where they can maximize the price by promoting that the fish has been frolicking naked with certain actors and wannabe stars. It is understood that Mr. John West, speaking on behalf of tuna, is not at all happy with this and apparently he has suggested this arrangement should be canned immediately.
The x rated photos are posted on websites and promoted and regularly get put into national newspapers under the totally false concept that they are promoting responsible fish harvesting.
In the U.S. both President Obama and his opponent Mitt Romney have strangely been very quiet on the subject of pescaphilia. We are of the opinion had Sarah Palin been running that she would have given this subject much more higher priority — she comes from good fish stock, herself, so to speak. As the leaders of the free world we understand that this maybe a subject for the next public debate so keep your eyes open and mouth shut.
In Australia, a spokesperson for someone other than Cory Bernardi said “Cory was right on to this. He was keen to show examples of this to the senate in Australia. Pescaphilia is one stop from bestiality and as Cory has pointed out, in his mind, this is the next step to homosexuality. People wonder why he went to Europe after being ousted in the media and now you know…he was onto the pescaphilia issue.”
A spokesperson for someone who has never heard of Giancarlo Perbellini, one of Italy’s most talented chefs, said “I tolled her to maka luv to the fish when she was cooking da fish but I thinka she has a gonna over the topa, how you a say?”
Someone who does not know Jamie Oliver, the famous Naked Chef, said “I think when Jamie said ‘What I've enjoyed most, though, is meeting people who have a real interest in food and sharing ideas with them. Good food is a global thing and I find that there is always something new and amazing to learn — I love it!’ I don’t think he was suggesting you should actually handle fish in this manner.’ So it would seem that Jamie does not see this as ‘luverly jubbly’ which were words similar to those uttered by Ms. Jagger when posing.
An iPhone and iPad app may have been in the making for sometime but Apple personnel were a little coy in wanting to talk about pescaphilia. Despite our best efforts to get information from them, we think — to be honest, they thought we were joking! Facebook also played dumb suggesting they knew nothing about the pages posted on pescaphilia.
People we contacted at Coca Cola and McDonalds refused to speak to us about this subject and whilst there was some ‘potty talk’ about how big The Whopper was we have chosen not to highlight that person’s name to save them from litigation.
We leave the final word to MSC (Mounting Seafood Confessors) who are always keen to certify any activity that involves dodgy practices. MSC Managing Director, Peter Panda, said “We are shocked and disappointed that this has come out into the open as we have tried very hard to keep it quiet. We will not be issuing a Mounting Seafood Certificate on this occasion as it did not reach our gold standard. Our words to Ms. Jagger were ‘Hey you get off my fish, you are no Jumping Jackflash, You can’t get any satisfaction from such a Beast of Burden.’ That is all we wish to say about this dreadful incident and such Honky Tonk Women.”
Well readers, we hope you will heed the warnings and help us stop this hideous crime of pescaphilia.